Doc Small/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent. Remember when you said if I need a place to stay, you'd put me up? Brent Leroy: Yeah. But wasn't the phrase "last resort" or "hell freezes over" in there somewhere? Hank: I'm here to take you up on it. There's a problem with the insulation at my place. Brent: That stuff you got such a bargain on? Hank: Yeah. I hate it when the government comes up with these arbitrary decisions. You know, like now all of a sudden asbestos isn't safe. Brent: I know. What's next, benzene? Hank: Exactly. So can I crash at your place? Brent: Are you sure I didn't use the phrase "hell freezes over" or "moon collides with the earth" or...? Emma Leroy: What? Hank: I need a place to stay for a few weeks. Emma: Come on, Brent. Charity begins at home. Brent: You're right, Mom. Hank: Thanks for lettin' me stay here, Emma. Oscar Leroy: Just remember, my house, my rules. Emma: Don't talk to our guest like that. Besides, it's my house, my rules. Wanda Dollard: What ya doin'? Brent: I let some customer give me a hundred. Wanda: And now you're worried if it's counterfeit? Brent: Yeah. Wanda: Oh. What are you lookin' for? Brent: I'm not sure. I saw a guy on TV do this. And then he did this. Wanda: Give it up. You can't tell if it was a fake anyways. Brent: There are subtle signs. Like is this guy supposed to have a moustache? Wanda: By that guy, do you mean Sir Robert Borden, Prime Minister from 1911 to 1920? Brent: I know who he is. So is this Gordon guy supposed to have a moustache? Wanda: It was 1911. Everybody had a moustache. Brent: I thought everybody had big sideburns. Wanda: Just the women. Look, forget about the hundred. You're being paranoid. Brent: So I can just put this in with your pay then? Wanda: Let me see that. Forget it. Davis Quinton: Lacey, the town needs you. Lacey Burrows: What? Karen Pelly: Well technically, not just the town, the Greater Regional Rural Administrative Zone. Emma Leroy: There's a new doctor coming to visit and we want you to convince him to use Dog River as a home base. Lacey: What about Dr. Conway? Dr. Conway: I got a pain in my chest and I'm totally blind in one eye. Frank (Young Man): Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Dr. Conway. So is this a bad day for my checkup? Karen: He'll be retiring soon. And I think he's blind in one eye. Emma: Anyway, the Committee to Convince a Young Doctor to Live in Dog River or... Karen: The C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R. for short. Lacey: That's short? Emma: Don't make fun of our acronyms. Davis: We thought you'd be a good person to meet the doctor and to show off the town. Karen: Not just the town, the Greater Regional... Davis: Yeah, the G.R.R.A.Z. Emma: You are our first choice. Wes Humboldt: No. Wanda: No. Oscar: No. Brent: No. Karen: No. Emma: I do enough on the committee already. Davis: Ask Lacey. Paul: No. Farmer: Who are you? Dr. Conway: My arm hurts. Hank: Not now. I'm busy. Lacey: First choice? Karen: You're not the bottom of the barrel in any way here, Lacey. Davis: Top of the barrel, definitely. Emma: Stop talking. Wanda: You know the real ones smell like pine? Brent: Really? Oh. Lacey: Hey, Brent, guess what? Brent: Huh? Lacey: I'm working with the committee to make a doctor want to, uh... Brent: Oh, the C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R., or Citcayditidler. Lacey: Yeah. I won't be using either of those. Brent: They save time. Lacey: Yeah, you're obviously pressed for time. Brent: Oh. You know what? All I have is a hundred dollar bill. Lacey: You know what? You can owe me for the coffee. Brent: Oh, really? Could I owe for some pie too? Oscar: I'm not sure I like this, some weirdo livin' in my house takin' up space. Emma: Welcome to my world. Oscar and I are going outside to do some weeding. Tending vegetables is what I do. Hank: I'll do it. I like gardening. Oscar: You don't have to pretend to like the things that Emma does. That's my job. Hank: Emma, are your azaleas variegated? Oscar: Good pretending. Brent: Aw, come on. Davis: Sorry, Brent. You can't park here during peak hours. It's not my policy. Blame the G.R.R.A.Z. Brent: Oh, can't fight the Grraz. Can I pay ya right away? All I have is this hundred dollar bill. What can you tell from that? Davis: It's complicated. I don't have any change. Brent: Well, this is really all I have. Davis: I'll tell ya what. I'm gonna let this one slide. Brent: Thank you, Prime Minister Gordon. Emma: Wow. That looks great. Hank: Oh, I didn't do much, just moved some things around. We're in a Type 2 climate, so your maffiolas really should be in direct sunlight. Oscar: Emma, I'm bored. Emma: Well, why don't you go downstairs to the workshop and show Hank your new project. Oscar: Just remember, my room, my rules. Emma: Yeah, he understands, your rules. Oscar: Who moved the maffiolas? Lacey: Do you guys think I should flirt with this doctor guy? I have this new blouse, it looks pretty good. You know, I could entice him a bit. Karen: It's either that or, uh, play up the good things about Dog River. Davis: Better undo a couple a buttons. Lacey: I'm not gonna be slutty. I can flirt without being slutty. Davis: Really? Lacey: Oh, yeah. You've seen me flirt. Karen: Oh, yeah, sure. Davis: And if you come across a little slutty, that's okay too. Brent: This is like a magic hundred. You wouldn't believe the amount of stuff I've gotten out of buying. Wanda: Don't you think people are going to figure out you're trying to get stuff free? Brent: But I'm not. I'm offering them perfectly legal tender. Wanda: That you think might be fake. Brent: Yeah. But what do I know? Wanda: When you're right, you're right. Lacey: Hey. How do I look? Brent: Flimsy? Lacey: Flimsy? Brent: Uh. Fla-flakey. Lacey: I was going for flirty. Brent: Yeah, a flimsy, flakey flirt. Wanda: Nice save, Cheevers. Emma: This looks great Oscar, really. Oscar: Yeah. Hank helped. Hank: You got it started. Oscar: You've been very helpful. Emma: Having you around means that Oscar and I will be able to spend a lot more time together. Emma: Hank can't stay with us anymore. Dr. Chris Garner: Hi. Lacey: Hi. Chris: I'm Chris Garner. Lacey: Oh! Chris: Dr. Chris Garner. Lacey: Hi. Chris: Hi. Lacey: Hi. Chris: Nice blouse. Lacey: Oh. Hank: So can I stay with you? Brent: Of course you can, old buddy. You've asked everyone else? Hank: Yeah. It's just difficult in the middle of renovation season. Brent: Renovation season? Hank: Everyone in town's doin' renovations, or at least everyone that I asked. Brent: Yeah. Well, 'tis the season. Fine, Hank, you can crash at my place. Hank: Great. Can you lend me 10 bucks? Brent: Oh, actually, you know what? All I have is this hundred, so I don't... Hank: Yeah, I don't smell pine. You can owe me 10. Lacey: Later I'll take you to Main Street where the action is. There are also several other streets. Chris: It's all so overwhelming. Lacey: Overwhelming? Chris: Well, right now I'm based in Campbellford, 88 people. 87 if I move. Lacey: Oh! Wow! Well, welcome to the big city. Chris: Does Dog River have a red light district? Lacey: No. Chris: It's just that you're dressed kind of provocatively. Lacey: But not slutty, right? Brent: But this is all I have. Molly (Girl Guide): Just take the cookies and I'll carry you for now. Brent: Really? Sweet! Thank you, Gordon. I love you. Wanda: It's Borden. Brent: Whatever. This is a great scam. I could do this forever. Wanda: Yeah. A guy kissing his money, that's not suspicious. Brent: I could get stuff for free as long as what I'm buying is less than the hassle of makin' change. Wanda: Ah, the pain in the ass threshold. Brent: Yeah, as long as I don't cross that line. Wanda: Well, you never crossed it before. Brent: Hey! Chris: Why do you call it The Ruby? Lacey: My Aunt Ruby owned it. Chris: Oh. Lacey: She passed away, so I took it over. I used the tragedy to do something with my life. Chris: Oh, my father died when I was younger. My brother almost died too. That's the day I chose to become a doctor. Lacey: We were both able to grow from tragedy. Chris: Yes. I used the tragedy in my life to dedicate myself to healing others and you used yours to sell soup. Lacey: Well, it was just my aunt. It wasn't my father or anything. Karen: Hey, Lacey's talkin' to our new doctor. Hank: Oh, yeah? What's he like? Karen: He's a she. Hank: What? Our new doctor's a transvestite? Karen: No, Hank, she's a woman. Hank: A woman transvestite? Brent: How long are you gonna be stayin' at my place? Karen: This is like that old puzzle, you know, where the father and son go on a fishing trip and the father drowns and the son is rushed to the hospital and the surgeon says, "My God, I can't operate! This boy is my son!" Hank: If the father's dead, how can he be there? Karen: Think about it. Hank: Oh, I get it. The doctor's a ghost. Karen: The surgeon is the mother. Brent: Oh, of course. I mean, yeah, Hank, get with the program. Karen: You didn't get it either. Brent: Well, just for clarification, explain why his ghost theory can't work. Lacey: Emma, this is Dr. Garner, Dr. Christine Garner. Emma: Hello. It's nice to meet ya. How do you like Dog River? Chris: Well, it takes a bit of getting used to. I'm accustomed to a slower pace. Emma: There's a slower pace? Lacey: Right now Emma is putting up one of her son's friends. That's the sort of thing we do for each other in Dog River. Emma: I kicked him out. Lacey: Well, I'm sure you found somewhere else... Emma: I don't know where he ended up. Maybe the coyotes got him. Lacey: She's just kidding. Chris: Oh-ho, thanks! I don't have a real urban sense of humour. Hank: Thanks again, Buddy. Let me know if I'm in the way. Brent: It's not gonna be a problem. Friends have a high tolerance for each other. Tolerance exceeded. I'll be at my folks'. Karen: So you're at Brent's and he's at his folks. How did that happen? Hank: Ah! Hey, give me another puzzle. I blew the father thing, but I, I'm good at these. Karen: Okay. This one's a little easier. Hank: All right. Karen: There's a plane crash on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Hank: Is the pilot the mother? Karen: No. Hank: Okay. Karen: The plane crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do you bury the survivors? Hank: Whoo. Right on the border, huh? I guess you gotta try and figure out which province has more of the plane. Karen: The plane is equally divided between the two provinces. Hank: Okay. All right. I see that. I guess you flip a coin. Karen: Where do you bury the survivors. Hank: Oh, survivors! One on each side. Oscar: Just remember, my house, my rules. Brent: Isn't the phrase, my roof, my rules? Oscar: Under my roof I say my house, my rules. In your house, you can say my roof, my rules. But not under my roof. Got it? Brent: Got any root beer? Oscar: Maybe you should pay for some groceries. Brent: Well, I would, but all I have is this hundred dollar bill. Oscar: Ah, get outta here with your fake money. Like a prime minister would have a moustache? Karen: No, you, you can't bury survivors, Hank. They're not dead. Hank: But I thought you said the plane crashed. Davis: Oh, I've got one. Karen: Don't start. This has taken up my whole afternoon. Davis: If a rooster lays an egg on the roof, which side does it roll down? Hank: The Alberta side. Heh? No, wait! It's a trick? The roof is flat. Davis: No, it's a slanted roof. Hank: The egg is square. No? Brent: Where is Mom, anyway? Oscar: Ah, she's meeting with the stupid C.T.C.C.A.Y.T.L.I.D.R. All this town needs is another quack doctor peddlin' mumbo jumbo. Brent: Like what? Oscar: Oh, they make up all that voodoo bologna. X-rays, vitamins. Brent: Geriatric dementia. Oscar: Exactly. Half those drugs you take are sugar pills. Brent: Maybe you should double your dosage. Oscar: Oh, you'd like that. Well, I got news for you. Winners don't do drugs. Brent: Yeah, you're obviously up on the latest in pharmacology? Oscar: All you do is argue against the old man. You know, I'm not the 30-something who has moved in with his parents. Brent: Maybe I'll just figure out a way to live with Hank. Oscar: Yeah. And take your funny money with ya. Lacey: I think she's gonna stay. Emma: Really? Mmm. Lacey: What? That's good news, isn't it? Emma: She doesn't exactly... Karen: Inspire confidence. Davis: No. And this may be a little politically incorrect, but she's a...hick. Karen: Small town all right, a real hayseed. Emma: I feel like I have to talk slower. Lacey: Okay. So, just so I'm getting this straight, you, the people of Dog River, are saying she's too small town for you? Karen: Now, you're gettin' it, Big City. Davis: How soon can you make her leave? Lacey: Oh come on, you guys. You can't kick her out of town just because you don't like her. I mean really, you're the committee to make sure a young doctor moves to Dog River. Emma: What do you got against acronyms, anyway? Hank: Hey, Brent. Brent: He had a rooster on some kind of roof trying to see what side it would lay an egg on. I had no choice, I had to kick him out. Wanda: You kicked out the rooster? Brent: No, Hank. I wanted to keep the rooster. He's cleaner. Wanda: Well, on the plus side, your Hank tolerance is now higher. Brent: Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I can face anything now that I have Gordon. Wanda: I just wish you wouldn't keep kissing him all the time. Brent: Ah, you're jealous, 'cause he could have been yours. Lacey: Brent, have you met Dr. Chris Garner? Brent: No, not yet. Hi. Lacey: I'm just trying to show Chris that we're pretty down to earth town here. Right now Brent is bunking with a good friend. Chris: Yes, I heard. Brent: Actually, I just had to kick him out. Lacey: Oh no. I thought that was going to work out. Brent: Everything was goin' okay, but he wanted to bring animals into it and... Lacey: Oh. Chris: Excuse me. Lacey: Well, where is Hank gonna stay now? Hank: I appreciate this. Davis: My pleasure. Hank: Do you have to keep the door locked, though? Davis: My roof, my rules. Chris: So, your friend, Brent, he's pretty out in the open? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Out in the Open Brent. Hey, guys. What's up? Emma: Not much. Oscar threw our son out of the house. Lacey: Oh no, did you get in a fight? Emma: Over drugs. Chris: Where will he stay? Oscar: He can live in the street for all I care. Wanda: Who, Hank? Wanda: Not Hank, Brent. Karen: Hank's not out on the streets, he's in jail. Chris: Jail? Emma: I thought he was with Brent. Chris: Well, what about Gordon? Emma: Huh? Lacey: No, no, he was with Brent. Now he's with Davis. Karen: But Davis won't let him stay at the house because of the animal thing. Wanda: That's not really fair. Davis started the whole animal thing. Lacey: Really? Karen: Yeah, I was kinda in on it too. Hank was on me all afternoon. Chris: Excuse me. Karen: What's Small Town's problem? Brent: Lacey's right. You're not getting a fair picture of our town. Oh, you know what? I'll get this round. Oh actually, all I have is this hundred dollar bill. Chris: You only carry hundred dollar bills? This must be an expensive place to live. Brent: Not lately. Paul: Gee! A hundred! Oh, you know what, you can get me for that... Chris: I'll break it. Brent: Are you sure? Because that bill looks a little dicey and it made my fingers brown. Paul: Oh, great. You can get me for those other rounds then, too. Lacey: Ah. And for the last four meals. Paul: And this is for the Girl Guides. Brent: And so ends a golden age. Davis: Hey, guys. Hey, let me squeeze in here. What? Chris: Please! You guys think I don't know what's going on? It's obvious the whole town has conspired to convince me not to live here. The weird sex capades of Brent and his friends, people tossing their kids out, and the constant smothering by this woman who dresses all slutty. Lacey: No, flirty. Chris: If you didn't want me to live here, you shoulda just said so. Davis: Hey, Lacey, great job. Lacey: Top of the barrel. Lacey: Chris, this is Hank. Hank: Hi. Lacey: He's gonna explain all of these misunderstandings and why the confusion is mostly his fault. Hank: Well, in a way it's actually kinda your fault. Chris: My fault? Hank: Yeah, because you're a woman doctor and that led to that stupid story about the father dying and the son in hospital and then you gotta figure out where all the dead bodies are buried. Chris: I don't know how you can be so cruel, using my family's tragedy against me! Lacey: No, no, no. No, no, that was just a coincidence. Chris: I hate this place! Hank: So you're gonna stay? Lacey: Well, that's a bummer. Hank: Should I go flirt with her? Category:Transcripts